You know when suddenly it dawns on you, and you realize that you were mistaken, that the person you once thought was your soul-mate or the jewel of your life has morphed into your worst nightmare… and you’re still holding onto that dream of once upon a time…

What are you going to do? How are you going to go about it? Are you going to handle the relationship from now on? And all these strings that are attached…

ouch… I feel your pain…

The emotional suffering that comes from that moment in time when you realize that it’s not just a nightmare you can wake up from, it’s at home, it’s real, and it’s the person you care the most about, even before yourself.

Here are the 3 things you can do when you realize that the abuser lives in your very own home, and you want to do something about it.

man in white tank top hugging woman in white tank top — Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

1. Breaking The Silence - Speak Out The Word

You cannot keep silent about what is going on. You have to say the truth, to break the dream and the ideal image that other people are holding in their minds about your abuser.

Keeping your abuser unharmed from any other people makes you codependent, and there are ways to cope with codependence and break free.

Start to talk, and if the person you choose to talk to is not supportive, talk to another one, and another one (hint: the church is the worst place to talk about these things, as they will sincerely do everything in their power to keep couples and families together for the eternity, and depending on the kind of abuse you are suffering, this is the last guidance you want to hear about.)

The first place you can talk is your general practitioner, your doctors, and the nurses. There are helplines that are trained to help you deal with that kind of problem. Since July 16th, 2022, in the United States, we now have the 988 phone number to call when we are in mental and emotional distress, on the brink of suicide, or dealing with emotional abuse.

Of course, if you have dear friends with whom you can share your truth, just do it. The risk is that they fade away from your life because they cannot handle the weight of your emotional suffering.

Hire a life coach, a spiritual healer, a medium, or a codependency coach who will take the time to listen to you, to guide you on your path toward true freedom and happiness.

2. Saying things are they are

You cannot sugarcoat what is happening. If it is abuse, it is what it is. Abuse has many different shapes and forms, and it may be important for you to understand what they are:

a) emotional abuse: when you are made feel like discarded matter, put down, belittled, insulted, and then taken back with a big hug, telling you that this is for your highest good so that you change. You end up losing self-confidence, self-love, and self-esteem, and you retreat from all your former friends and family members because you don’t want to show up as a wreck.

b) physical abuse: that one is the most obvious, too often the only one that is truly recognized because it’s the only form of abuse that leaves physical and medical scars. When you get hurt, no matter the circumstances, go to the emergency room and get checked and fully documented. Dare to say what actually happened, and yes, your abuser risks being arrested, but that may be your only way out during the time he/she/they are being handled by the police.

c) sexual abuse: the most shameful form of abuse, where nothing will ever be the same afterward. The emotional scars of sexual abuse can fully break the strongest person ever. And sexual abuse can happen to anybody at any time, no matter your age, gender, family situation, economic status, or country of origin. We have seen and heard too many horrendous stories of the most improbable situations that actually happened. If you get raped or assaulted or molested, go break the silence. Dare to speak up. You cannot keep silent, and you have a duty to protect all the other potential victims as well.

d) financial abuse: this kind of abuse doesn’t allow you to simply take a few belongings and disappear… or at least, this is what this kind of abuser wants you to believe. The truth is that there are options out there where you can find the help that you need. As long as you are alive, you can keep on going, and find these resources exactly where you are. Start with the local hospital or the police and dare to say the truth about your situation, if you cannot go to another trusted family member until you figure it out on your own.

e) spiritual abuse: a sneaky form of abuse, where the abuser builds into your beliefs that he/she/they are God and that you must fear God otherwise you’re going to end up in Hell… and that if you leave them, you're in hell. What you don’t realize with this kind of abuse, is that you’re already in hell with them and the fact of breaking free will allow you to discover the true love, forgiveness, and freedom that God is.

3. Self-respect and Self-love first

And one day, it dawns on you: You have been crushed for so long, you have been told so many times that you were worthless, not good enough, and just a failure, that you ended up believing that non-sense, and making it your own so that you keep on telling yourself an awful series of things that you would never dare to tell anyone else.

This is when self-love comes into play: The only way to survive when you are being crushed is to counter-manifest this horror movie by starting to tell yourself great things, how amazing you are, how blessed you are, how beautiful you are, how intelligent you are, how smart you are, how lucky you are to have you as your best friend… and other things like that. Give it a try and let me know how it resonates with you.

You’re going to respect yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and tell yourself that you did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at that time and that your subconscious mind was running the show anyway. You are just perfect the way you are, and just have to rewire your mind and your life to finally live the life of your dream, with or without the person you’re living with who is abusive toward you. Because the truth is: you are abusing yourself first, and then you allow the other person to abuse you… change the first part and the latter will naturally fall into place in divine order. Sometimes it goes through a separate way, sometimes not. That part is up to you and how safe you feel to stand your ground and love yourself first no matter what others may tell you and put labels on you. You are in charge of your life, and what you do with it matters more than anybody else.

Gemma’s Gem blog & Real Talk Real Women podcast

3 things you can do to break free from abuse…