Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

How is it that people stay for years and even decades in abusive relationships?

It may start with your first date - or so do you think as you are very likely unaware of all the generational trauma that has been bestowed upon you. Before you know it, you find yourself trapped in an abusive and toxic relationship, where everything that you give is taken for granted by this person.

(Note: For clarity purposes, I’m using the pronoun “them” to talk about the abuser, as an abusive person can have any relationship with you, any gender, any age, any background, any level in society, or any ethnic origin. It’s not a demographic that you can pinpoint and avoid in a general statement. They often are bright and amazing in their specific fields of expertise, and at first sight (based on how they look like, or what they’re doing, you cannot know for sure if they are an abuser or a wonderful person. This is how they get away with their distorted behavior, leaving their victim speechless, and turning the remaining people around their victim against the victims themselves because they seem so wonderful and amazing.)

It starts with some little silly things that are no big deal, you just realized how much you didn’t think about that. It keeps on going when you are asked to comply with their every need and want, letting you know with a simple thank you (when they even say thank you!) that you did good or with an avalanche of reproaches when you did not satisfy their (ever-changing) expectations.

After a while, at some point, they continue by letting you know that you betrayed them (but how did they come up with such a strong accusation? What if it would be true and you did indeed betray them?) that you cheated on them (often not a fact, just an idea in their minds that they would project on you as if you would have acted this way). It goes continually, with periods of relief and periods of intensified verbal fights.

And it ends up in violent fights where they yell at you to tell you that you are worse than the worst people they've ever known, and you yell back at them that you did everything in your power to please them and that you never did the wrong things they are reproaching you… It goes on and on, and sometimes (not every time, of course), they want to silence you because, in their distorted view of the world, you are the problem in their lives. Silencing you can go from life-threatening menaces to beating you up in various creative ways. On rare occasions, the abuser ends up killing the victim, but that’s a tiny percentage of the cases compared to all the people who suffer from abusive relationships every day.

After having experienced such violent fights, you often feel at your lowest point of resilience. You feel that you deserved it, and you start to think that you did something wrong as they keep on telling you that you are the one who put them in such a heightened state of rage and anger, as you dare stand up against them. Then you remember having heard somewhere that we are all fully responsible for our lives… hence, you are the only responsible person in this situation and nobody will ever take that away from you. It becomes your burden that even Jesus Christ (if you’re Christian or the divinity of forgiveness in your belief) cannot dissipate from you.

After a while (sometimes hours, sometimes days) you receive a visit from your abuser who kindly brings you gifts… how generous! And they look loving and caring again compared to the loneliness of your chastisement. They become your savior when you have become their abuser with your wrongdoings (if only there was something real and tangible, but even when you look for it, the reason for their wrath was not worth such a display of madness, not over such little things without consequences.

The calm has come back in the house, and they reappear, asking you how you’re doing… And offer you a hug?!? You feel so strongly that you don’t deserve a hug, that you don’t want a hug, especially not from them!?! But you feel exhausted and you don’t have the strength to fight anymore and after some light resistance, you give in, protecting your heart from the pain that you bear.

They tell you that they're sorry, that it will never happen again, but that you’re the one who triggered them because of your bad behavior, but that they still shouldn’t have done that, that they have never done that before, and that it will never happen again.

Then, they come up with gifts and things that you once expressed that you would like, and they offer them to you… And you feel even lower thinking to yourself how wonderful and generous to receive what you always wanted.

Here are the questions you legitimately are asking yourself when you recognize a version of this story as your own.

How is it that you fell so low?

What does it take for an exhausted mind, body, and spirit, to summon the courage to stop the madness and possibly face more madness or even worse?

How do you get yourself out of it?

What is the extent of the damage?

What does it take to change your life?

What do you actually want?

This is why, June 1st, 2022, Real Talk Real Women - Breaking The Silence Around Abuse, a podcast by Gemma Serenity Gorokhoff, is launched. This podcast’s mission is to break the silence around abuse, to inspire people still living in abusive and toxic relationships can grab a lifeline, and hope for a better future, by listening to stories of strong and powerful women who made it victorious after the abuse, who have healed and transformed from within, and are now living their best life ever, helping others on their healing and/or thriving journey. My guests are women who are spiritual guides, business mentors, life or trauma coaches, or who will surprise you with how they decided to brand themselves to help you become the best version of yourself.

Photo by Tirza van Dijk on Unsplash

PS: If you aren’t clear about what a podcast is, it’s a radio program, audio-only, available on many platforms (like Spotify, Apple Podcast, Google Podcast, Stitcher, and many others). And when asking Google about how many podcasts are there worldwide, here is the answer:

“There are over 2 million podcasts worldwide.

7% of respondents in a survey reported that they listen to a podcast every day. Men tend to listen to podcasts more than women do. At least 33% of people who don't listen to podcasts aren't sure how to get started. iTunes is home to over 700,000 podcasts. May 11, 2022”